SHANGHAI (still)


After another typical lack of activity on the blog that now seems to be the norm rather than the exception, I thought it best to enter some more of my thoughts on China no matter how random.

Since last time I had now become unemployed as previously mentioned, and whilst my initial unemployment status on arrival was met with frustration, this new period of unemployment was blissful loafing. Awesome.

Although my teaching schedule was unpredictable and getting frustrating, I did still manage to inject some humour into proceedings for myself if not for my students. When teaching teachers during my last week, and making the discover that they have the same group characteristics as their students (i.e. the nerd, teachers pet, rebel etc. etc.) they requested a song for me to teach them.

Not being of a musical background, or having the slightest idea of a tone, I accepted their offer but promised that I would bring lyrics for then to sing from without my woeful attempt to join in.

Following result was a school board room singing along to my laptop with such classics as Phil Collins’ ‘Easy Lover’ and Rick Astley ‘Never Gonna give you up’. Now that was funny, if perhaps not educational.

There is something quite satisfying in laying in bed knowing that the world is working and you’ve just been paid, with no work in sight!

This also did have the downside of putting pressure on my weekly ‘winner takes all’ poker game, in that I was almost going to be playing for my rent and food, especially if I continued to be the ‘loser taking nothing’!

However, with my new found discipline to save money failing worse than a Kazakhstan Olympic bid, It was time to either hibernate for my remaining time here or get another job!

Thankfully, another teaching job was around the corner, although just before rounding this corner my ‘portfolio’ (holiday pictures of me not so wasted) got put forward for a TV commercial….although I never heard anything back! Damn, maybe it was a footwear commercial and rumour of my hobbit feet got out??

So, after reality struck and my career as a background actor had been ruined, teaching was left as the only plausible way to earn money. Although I said a teaching job was easy to find previously although in this case what I meant was that it was easy as this job found me!

An application to a teaching school was made hallf heartedly by me after just finishing my previous job, with me thinking better of it and not pursuing it. No later had I just realized that working again might be a good idea given the budget likely of my friends arrival, that I got a call asking me to fill in at the same place for a teacher who called in sick (for sick read hungover) on a Sunday morning.

“No problemo” I thought, a quick half day Sunday would get me some extra pocket money! Result.

However, after about 20 mins of arriving at the school and being briefed on my little horrors for the afternoon had I accepted a teaching post on a 2 week summer camp! Oops.

I’m not sure whether it was because it was early Sunday morning, the thought of some spending money or the good organization of the place that sucked me into it, but once again I was a responsible member of the English teaching community! Or a member at least.

I’m actually teaching in the largest foreign language university in Shanghai, although thankfully again to little kids…I think Chinese university students would be giving me the lessons! “Past progressive tense??!! Are you making that up???”

So for the most part I’m sticking to my best teaching attributes of reading books or generally pratting about, which seems to entertain both them and me.

So as mentioned, the need for additional funds over and above my usual spending habits are due to the arrival of messrs Mills, Webb and Roberts….the Chinese authorities have been informed of their arrival which has also been accompanied by the rise in shares of Tsingtao, Alka Seltzer and McDonald’s accordingly.

I will pull my finger out of wherever it's been hiding and update again before the arrival of the 'Chuckle Brothers' and Dan.....although expect much antics and chaos to report after!

ACTUALLY LIVING HERE

Living in Shanghai was going to be quite an adjustment I thought...easily one of the world's biggest cities should have scared me stiff after months of living (also looking and smelling as said before) a traveller, the thought of hot running water and a familair bed and bathroom was enough to almost pee myself at the prospect of some normality.

So, my appartment I am fortunate enough to find myself in is right in the very centre of Shanghai...short of being actually in a shopping mall in Nanjing West Rd that is.

It's so central in fact, that when on my way from the airport to such a place, and after much confusion with my taxi driver at my first attempt at 'taxi Chinese' I tried to find the place, but as usual with no luck.
This time, my map issues were not the common cause of 'uder error' but the fact taht the place is so central that it was hiding in the crease of my 2 page Lonley Planet map of downtown Shanghai. That's what I'm talking about.

So, after a week of chilling in between the visit to Beijing I started to get to grips with the place...you always know when you start to become accustomed as your heard starts to stop spinning every 10 seconds at the bizarre thinsg you see.

These days, a man riding a kids bicyle in pyjamas, or a man riding a scooter with a horse riding helmet doesn't get acknowledged...as this apprently is normal behaviour to those around me!

OK, I have to admit that the riding helmet guys on piddly scooters still raise a smile....especiallyas the large hlemet on a small Chinese guy is the equivalent if me riding a bike with a hat the size of a basketball!

I say only begining to get accustomed, as there are many thinsg that I still cant casually obe=serve as if nothing...I think to truly get there would be impossible unless I was actually a local.

Exmaples of this are the fact that supermarkets and petstores are basically identical, to the point that when I see a hop with tanks of toads, lizards and turtles out the front I don't know whether upon wandering in the depths of the placewill sell toothpaste, milk and cereals, or Boa Constrictors, spiders and rats!!

Although some of the culinary delights of China are too much even for my suicidal diet, the food here is absolutely amazing. Whether it's 20p noodle soup at my favourite little street stall near my place or a swanky restaurant in the toursit district all (Chinese of course) the food is amazing.

THis also kind of reflects on how I've found the whole of China really - a land of immeasurable extremes, in all aspects of life.
The obvious being teh gap between the rich and the poor, which to my understanding is the biggest in the world.

Shanghai has 286,000 USD millionaires alone, whilst everywhere outside the major cities people can only grow enough food to feed themselves.

It's the little extremes that amuse me though (most of the time), such as Shanghai is a city with plasma TV's on every street corner and every global brand name represented here in some shape or form, but something simple like being installing a phone line or paying a bill is an excerice in red tape so farciacal I almost pine for the streamline processes at GM!! Almost. :)

This amusemnt occasionally turns even the most placid (of which I consider myself one)of people in burning balls of rage, whether it be people bumping into you on every street, near fatal collisions with ubrellas (those little spikey bits on the end I mean)or people talking on their mobile phones loud enough to negate the use of it completeley...even above the constant car horns surely their caller in Beijing can hear their voice anyway??

So, although 'Shanghai rage' gets me fromtime to time for a few seconds it's all good and I've ceom to realise why everyone (foreign or Chinese) listens to their music...it's theonly thing to kepe t he peace in acity surely on the brink of civil war!
I know I'll be up for it when it breaks out, just need to get myself one of those umbrella-swords.


The pinnacle of this rage and the unique approach to administration was when yet again I managed to overstay my visa (3rd time so far - not bad eh?) whilst in Beijing on a week long public holiday with all visa / Government buildings closed.

The remedy for my initial panic and fears of deportation in a snug white jacket was 2 whole days on a sightseeing tour of all the police station and government buildings in downtown Shanghai, at which point I was given "an offical warning" by the police in quiet room on their 17th floor...apparently I should have known that for a week long holiday the country comes to a standstill.

Since then I actually manged to overstay my visa again, but this time no public holiday to blame this time, just me brain on a holiday as usual...no fine though,and now I am Shanghai's leading expert on immigration affairs.