JAIPUR: A Tale of 2 Salims and an Underpants Malfunction

So as alluded to, the first 12 hours here have been bizarre, thought provoking and thoroughly embarrassing: a fine effort when 9 of those hours are spent sleeping.

So first to the bizarre and thought provoking. In an attempt to string together something along the lines of a plan I'd phoned ahead and reserved my hotel for the next 2 nights (with free transfers) in order to avoid the constant pressure from tuk tuk drivers that threatens to break my patience in the coming days and weeks.

So as per the plan, I called them once I'd arrived, and my designated guy was on his way, armed with my name and my description of what I looked like.

The usual deal here is that the other drivers leave you alone once they realise you're betrothed to another hotel (and of course driver) and they look for some other lost souls who are too tired to argue and just want their beds as quickly as possible after a long train journey and late arrival.

All was pretty much following this formula although one guy (let's say Salim #1 to make things simple) keeps the banter going and is straining to do so beyond the usual pleasantries (where from, how long staying etc. etc.). He's offered to take me back himself should my ride turn up, mentioned a dance festival that night, a wedding in his village tomorrow night and of course the obligatory full day city tour prior.

After much resistance on my part, and partly to cease the repetition of his offers I agree to meet him outside my hotel at 11.00 to discuss what may transpire rather than any specific commitments.

Enter stage left Salim #2 fresh from the hotel, who after much searching realises that the ones he's looking for is at the centre of a 10 man circle.

He gets my name roughly right but the hotel spot on which is good enough for me as Salim #1 is starting to get beyond niceties and is ushering me toward using his form of transport instead, which I wasn't overly comfortable with at that point.

The conversation that followed on the way back to the hotel was roughly along the lines of:

Salim #2: "Do you know that man"

Ian: "Kind of, he's Salim as well, talking to me about (various offers repeated here)"

Salim #2: "He is not a tuk tuk driver. Please Mr Ian, to be staying away from this man, I live in Jaipur all my life and know lots of men, this is man is one of the mans I am afraid of"

Ian: "What do you mean?"

Salim #2: "I have many, many stories about this man, which you would not believe me about if I tell them to you"

At this point I'm slightly more awake and to be honest just intrigued to find out.

Ian: "Come on, what stories are you talking about?"

Salim #2: "I am frightened even talking about it in cases peoples hear us"

My interest fades at this point and just put it down to something fairly elaborate to pitch an inevitable day's city tour once arrived at the hotel. Obviously not having packed my poker face, Salim sees this and darts us off the road to a quiet alley (if there is such a thing in India) and explains:

Salim #2: "OK, I am telling you this as my new friend but afterwards we don't be talking about this and Salim any more (silent nod of the heard from me). That Salim is a man many bad people in Jaipur know, he is in the business of selling people - any people!"

Ian: "Selling people?"

Salim #2: "Yes he is selling people, all kinds of people, he takes them and he passes them to others who never get seen again. Please, please listen to the deep and honest advice I give you and don't meet this man again. Please promise me you will do this, I am not caring whether you take any other tuk tuk driver or me or anyone else, please take my words."

At this point I agree and once we're back to the hotel I agree again without mentioning the back story and Salim gives me a hug to thank me for being so open to advice. I check with the hotel and describe Salim #1, which draws a fairly blank expression from the owner, although Salim #2is one of their few trusted drivers as he's a small business man with a few tuk tuks rather than driving for other owners like most.

Strange ay?!?

After getting some sleep once the thoughts of what might/might not or never would have been I woke up still feeling less than perfect from the previous day where I'd suffered from 'Gastrobics' (Gastro-aerobics, you heard it here first!) most of the day. I did however make short work of my plain omlette and plain toast at breakfast in the main dining area. It was on comtemplating what a poor choice this was given that it was the omlette on the train that may have done me over when I got up to leave for the day.

The breeze passing through the open dining area felt particularly chilling around the back of my shorts and upon subtle, but closer inspection by turning around I had indeed soiled myself at some point during breakfast - marvellous.

By my heart was beating 10 times faster, I tried to coolly and calmly gather my belongings and head back to my room for a slight detour instead of the day trip. I'm glad to say that inspiration struck, and my John Wayne style walk of shame was all that bit easier thanks to the hoody tied around the wait: a classic manoeuvre that has been saving disgraced toddlers for years that comes to the rescue of a man who should know better - or for that matter should just know!

No matter how well you cover your tracks (pun intended) when facing an embarrassing error the paranoia that everybody knows anyway never quite leaves you.

After a day#2 sightseeing, wearing pair of shorts and underpants #2 for the day I decided to eat elsewhere than the hotel that evening, safe in the knowledge that laughter from other tables was most likely not directed at me and my underpants malfunction.

Ajmer next, and hopefully by that point I won't be petrified to pass wind.

ps - pics will follow, of Jaipur that is.